you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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