Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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