They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I ended up changing her contact in my phone to "O Great Potato".
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
