Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
