My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I murdered the dance floor call the cops
I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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