i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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