it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
