matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
