I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
Randomize
