Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
FUCK WHALES
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