im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
where am i from again
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
