You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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