Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
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She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
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You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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