I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
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