Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
can u get pink eye on your cock?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
