If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
