Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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