omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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