how can u be prego again
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
