This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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