god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Randomize
