I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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