Please stop trying to convince people that you're retarded and I suck your dick in the same conversation.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
Randomize
