I met the friendliest cop last night
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
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It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
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Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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