It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I am debating about my sub. I am not quite sure I can be the dom he needs.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
