Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
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