it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I am one with the molecules
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
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