Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
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My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
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i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Went to night shots with Kayla... she punched this guy and I got his friends number. Not sure if she's the best or worst wingman ever.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
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