just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
