I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
Randomize
