And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I'm pants shitting drunk right now
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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