I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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