wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
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