So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
hanging on that rope, lady gaga looks exactly like a used tampon
all i know is that if they can hide that much blood in her outfit, they definitely could have hid a penis
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
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