He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Saw the guy I once slept with, he was buying Beer and shit tone of diapers. Glad to see how 2016 will turn out.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
