i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
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