lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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