got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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