i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
Some dude peed on tonys floor because drunkness
They offered him a bucket as he was peeing and he was like "Nah, I'm good"
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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