There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
