I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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