last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
Randomize
