is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
