We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Randomize