he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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