make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
