we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
be right there i have to get my cape
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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