she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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