Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
You know you're an adult when you break 100 to get 75 cents, to buy a condom from a bar vending machine in South Boston.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
