I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
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