I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
