I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
