I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
He shit in the fireplace
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
